You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
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You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.