Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I feel it
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.