a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
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I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
*sewing*
A thread
March 16
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Woke up against my better judgement again
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage