Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
You Might Also Like
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.