in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
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Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.