there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread