Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
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Breakfast for Stoners:
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music