*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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Twitter fine art
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Hello Twits.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.