My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days