Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
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I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun