THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Mad Max: Furry Road