I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
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I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
*gets down on one knee*
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him