Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
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My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.