“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.