People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
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christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
😂 amazing answer
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck