People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
*jingles half the way*
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention