Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?