robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
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*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet