Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
You Might Also Like
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”