Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
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Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Oh yeh? Explain this then
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone