Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
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What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
“I FIXED IT!”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.