The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
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When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.