If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
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There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
What even happened today?
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.