Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Just a phase…
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila