I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
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[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Liquor Store Parking
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.