Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*