I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
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Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.