im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
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They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no