At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
That’s easy for you to say
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
What if the weather talks about us?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
everyone’s a critic
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art