We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
this is uni
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?