You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
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[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
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