What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
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[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.