I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣