I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
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How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
#oldknees
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.