Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”