[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
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Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face