he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
You Might Also Like
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.