*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.