*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.