A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
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No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I never needed anything more in my life
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs