like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.