“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.