“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
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Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Harsh but fair
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.