The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
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Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Never let them know your next move 😂
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries