“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
You Might Also Like
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.