The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.