You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
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How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Autocorrect completely socks
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then