when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
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My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
How did we not see this back then?
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.