When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
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I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I told my vodka about you.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say