Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
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Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?